Remember When

Typically, I love to write as I try to make sense of the mess of life with the HOPE of heaven in view.  However, in the recent weeks, I haven't been able to make sense of anything.  Simply put, I've been down in the dumps.... including regular tears and mood swings that resemble the steepest drop of a roller coaster.  It's a pretty uneventful season in life with no tragedy or significant crisis in our lives, yet, I'm feeling blue consistently.  When our church publicized a "depression study", my oldest commented to her Dad, "Mom needs to go to that!"  So I did and it was very encouraging.

While I can't put my finger on a specific trigger, I am mindful that a mixture  of mid-forty hormone changes and our oldest being a senior (a cocktail of circumstances) comes with side effects.  I know that I'm going to miss so much about parenting and the child rearing years when Katie goes off to college next year, but I guarantee I will not miss this phase.  Of course, I will miss her presence and her lovely ways, but the high stakes parenting with children who long to be independent, not so much. 

Just this morning, one of my all time favorite songs played in the car while driving to work-- Alan Jackson's "Remember When" flooded my thoughts with the past 18 (fleeting) years of parenting.  During a 15 minute drive, images of Katie filled my mind.  For some reason, two years of age seems to bring the most vivid memories.  While Katie was an easy baby and an extremely compliant school age girl (still is), I remember distinctly her strong will showing up in full color as a toddler.  Daily interactions included her exclaiming: "Katie do it" and also lengthy tantrums.  With little ones, we insisted the girls not have an audience during their fits, so we sent them to the rooms to have it out.  Caroline's protests were powerful, but very short lived.  Baby Kelly would stop crying in route to her room, but Katie was a completely different story.  I remember her (bobbed hair and bangs with a pink bow on the top of her head wearing a pink gingham shirt, polo khaki skort and white sandals) standing in a nook of her room raising the volume of her protest upon hearing a parent near by in our Philadelphia home (seems like yesterday). She could keep it going like no other.  While driving, it hit me that we are in another season where our daughter is ready to exert her will.  Thankfully, there are NO lengthy tantrums, but there is a sense of "Katie do it" that is reasonable and appropriate for her age.  Even Caroline is stretching her independent legs with the ability to drive places on her own.  Four licensed drivers with three cars can be a bit complicated.... definitely a "first world problem",  but a puzzle we engage in each day.

I don't know how other parents process the final year with their first born at home or the inevitable reality that they are leaving home.  Most days, it's not even on my radar, but clearly there is a low grade sadness going on beneath the surface.  This seems like the first chapter in a book titled: "Wrapping up the Parenting Gig".  However, our version reads with  more questions than answers.  I'm convinced every parent has a sweet spot where they are most confident and effective.  It seems I peaked in the early years.  : )  I'm thankful for a husband who is clearly made for parenting in the teen years and also for friends and family who come alongside as I look for answers and support.  I'm especially grateful, after nearly 18 years as a mother, that God showers our parenting with grace.  All three of our girls exceed the hopes and prayers I have for them as they reflect and honor the Lord with their thoughtful, loving and most gracious ways.  I'm crazy thankful to be a part of His plan for their lives.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9  (also used on Katie's senior parking space)

Oh, What a Beautiful Life

As I drove home from school today, Nick Fradiani's hit, "Beautiful Life" blared on Satellite Radio.  I thoroughly enjoy these moments alone with good (loud) music- where I have time for reflection and to get motivated for the day.  The lyrics, "Oh, what a beautiful life..." ring true, but lately beauty has shown most brightly through the ugliest of circumstances.

In the recent months, those closest to us have become acquainted with repulsive words like cancer, adultery, fits of rage, bitterness, gossip/slander, selfish pride and heartbreak.  (You will find me among this awful list.  I do not look down on fellow sinners as I struggle in this life!)   I'm not going to lie to you; this season of trial has shaken me and has made me feel vulnerable.  Honestly, my faith has been tested and I've been reminded that "my only comfort in life and in death is that I am not my own, but belong body and soul....  to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ."  My heart and prayers have been lifted to Him in unprecedented ways.   It's as if I enrolled in Christianity 101 to relearn the basics of the faith:  God works to redeem what is vile and broken in order to create something profoundly beautiful.  Just think of the "greats" from scripture (King David, Paul, Peter- just to name a few)... all terribly flawed, but used by God for His glory and for the redemption and restoration of His people.

I've been reminded that the Lord's goodness and mercy penetrates the darkest of times.  The stunning beauty of powerful forgiveness and sacrificial service, as my loved ones have lifted their gaze to almighty God in times of need, has encouraged my soul.  The beauty of His grace has shown through  those I love so dearly.  These testimonies deepen my faith and stir me to pray more fervently.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's...... The LORD is merciful and gracious slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."   Psalm 103 

That I am not my own, 1 but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, 2 to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. 3 - See more at: http://www.heidelberg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/1.html#sthash.wGXRqLpu.dpuf

Treading New Ground

Summer 2015 flew by and it was full of travel as we covered much new ground.  This year we celebrated Mom's 70th birthday in the Mediterranean Sea.  In the midst of overwhelming sights, I was constantly and particularly struck by the pathways beneath our feet, including the stone roads of Pompeii, the ancient ruins of Greece, 2000+ year old mosaic floors in the Vatican, courtyards and palaces of emperors in the area of Constantinople- Istanbul, Turkey and also the sinking gravel at the peak of Mt. Vesuvius.  Even as we wrapped up our summer in the Colorado Rockies with multiple hikes (my favorite thing!!), we found unfamiliar trails and noticed a new favorite hike to resemble that sinking ground of Mt. Vesuvius... definitely not easy on our aging bodies.  

It seems the summer days ended as quickly as they passed.  This week teachers in Texas have begun the process of preparing for the 2015-2016 school year.  There's always much anticipation as we enter a new school year.  Typically, we return to work a week before the students for various professional development days.  Still, as the days pass, we await official word of a new group of students for the upcoming year.  While the first day of teacher work week is full of excitement and inspiration, the day of class lists is more serious for me.    At this time precious babies are given to my care... those who are treading new ground in their young lives with Moms and Dads who are sending their treasured children off for an education, possibly for the first time.  I do not take this repsonsibility lightly!    Even as I'm helping my oldest daughter with the process of college applications (talk about new ground!) , I remember well the enormity of the decision of where to send her to kindergarten, so important and completely overwhelming that it led to the decision to homeschool her for a few years.

So.... today I got a new class list... such a great blessing!  In two days, I will meet this precious group of students at Meet the Teacher. (another favorite thing!!!)  The process of covering new ground together this year comes with eagerness, endless possibility, anxiousness (for teacher and students) and hopeful expectations.  I am grateful for the Lord's goodness to me as He enables me to do a work I feel created to do.  Here's to another wonderful school year with my newest friends!!!

Reflections

During a somewhat aimless transition to summer days, with so much free time and so little routine, I'm starting each day with a morning walk.  I crave and need routine, so this is a welcome daily habit.  On the first morning of summer, while taking a walk,  I was struck by my new found freedom (the luxury of morning exercise), clear blue skies, increasing heat, birds singing sweetly and a crisp reflection of houses on the surface of a neighborhood pond.  I captured this image of homes reflecting on the water... thinking, "Yay, it's summer!"  This morning included the same delight and routine, but my walk was delayed, making the reflection of those homes dull and blurry, yet still visible.

The timing of this fading reflection reminds me of the process of grief after you lose a loved one.  The Lord comforts us and softens the sharp pain with gracious time.  The ache, as if a boulder lives inside your chest, becomes lighter.  Still, there are these times when the reflection of grief is stronger again.  Just this week, there have been unexpected moments when the memory of Dad caused my chest to ache and the tears to flow.  As we prepare for a big family trip, to celebrate Mom's 70th birthday, vivid memories of him fill my mind.  A week from today, we leave on our 5th family cruise (the first without Dad).  I look forward to standing on the bow and stern of the ship once again.  In addition to thousands of family photos, I absolutely love to capture the reflections on the surface of the ocean.  It is one of my all time favorite things in life..... right up there with sunset photos! : )

Over the last several years, it's surprised me, in the experience of grief, that the simplest things bring the greatest pain.  Just yesterday, when Caroline asked me about doing laundry on the ship, my eyes unexpectedly filled with tears for the first time in months.  I got to thinking........ Who will do laundry with me every day as we travel around the Mediterranean Sea? (nobody)  Only Dad and I would let such "OCD issues" of clean clothes follow us around the globe.  Who will knock on our cabin door at 6:30 in the morning (for no reason) while on VACATION? (nobody)  Who will remind me to capture hundreds of photos by saying, "You're gonna miss the best shot!" (nobody) While my brother and I are certainly strong reflections of our father, we are way more laid back and deferential than he was.  Our Dad was a powerful force in life and especially in our family.  He led and we all knew to follow.   End of story!  Who will lead our group as we engage with new cultures of our world?  (With an increasing number of young adults in the family, the answer to this question will be fun to witness as Dad is reflected in each of them.)  He will certainly be missed!

Time to Go

As I wrap up another school year with my sweet students, I'm struck with how quickly the year went!  We've had a truly fabulous year together.... one of the best!  Every year, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be a part of a child's life (8 hours each day!), but at the same time I'm aware that my influence is limited to a period of time and then it's done.  Once again, as the final days roll by, I wonder if I've done enough.  Did I figure out how to motivate each student?  Did I make them feel loved and safe?  Do they know that I believe they are capable of greatness and that they inspire me each and every day?  Teachers have this annual stewardship reminder with such a weighty role and influence in the lives of children for a time.

While teachers are given 9+ months to invest in the lives of students, parents are given 18 years of influence.  As I consider the speed of this school year, it brings me to tears, because it marks the beginning of our final school year with our daughter.  I ask myself similar questions as those of a teacher:  Have I done enough?  Does my daughter know how she inspires me?  Does she know that she is capable of greatness?  Does she know how much she is loved?  (Mother/daughter tension leaves this in question many days, even today.)  Have I taught her to make choices to enhance her safety?  Not to mention, I still need to teach her how to cook and to be a homemaker.  Here's hoping, like her Mama, she will rise to the occasion.  I can barely hold it together as I consider the senior year and all the reminders that she is leaving.  How have my relatives and childhood friends made it through this season with (seemingly) so much composure?!? I look at their graduation announcements on display in the kitchen with great joy, satisfaction and much sympathy.  Senior year hasn't even started and I'm a bundle of emotion already.... a complete mess!

Lately, the increasing speed and passing of time both intrigues and frustrates me.  Every May, after all the testing and end of year projects are complete, I tend to savor classroom morning meetings even more.  I listen to their stories with added interest and realize our time together is precious and fleeting.  I want to hold on to my sweet students and keep them in kindergarten a while longer.  I wish there was a pause button.  Still, there is no greater desire to make time stop than with my own child.  We're living in those fleeting moments just before her inevitable launch to adulthood.  This comes with obvious tension and sadness.  I can almost hear the ticking of a clock and it nags at me.
Thankfully, there will be a day when the passing of time is no more.  For eternity, we will never feel the ticking of a clock or the fleeting of days.  When it is our time to go, we will be in the presence of the Lord forever.  This gives such comfort and peace.    

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 

Hope and New Life

After nearly 3 years of very consistent blog posts, I've had writer's block in the recent months.  (Sure, there's plenty to write about-- In the recent weeks, we've happily used the term boyfriend in our house for the first time since becoming parents!)  Surprisingly, my last post was in the heart of winter and now spring is fully under way in Texas.  My goal in writing has always been to offer encouragement as I lift my gaze to Christ's goodness.   In the midst of all circumstances, including great joy and deep sorrow, the Lord's faithfulness has been my comfort.  Lately, I've been discouraged and have not had the motivation, desire or words to fit with this purpose for writing.   The dreary and colorless winter days have been reflected in my dull attitude and this idle blog.  However, in the recent weeks, the smallest signs of life formed throughout the neighborhood.   Just last week, I took photos of many trees covered in tiny buds and I was struck by these miniature symbols of hope.  When facing a dark providence, as many of our loved ones are, the smallest bit of hope reminds us of God's steadfast love and His promise to never leave us or forsake us, even as we "walk through the valley of the shadow of death".   

As the landscape turns increasingly green with living things in full bloom, Christians all over the world celebrate Easter.  You can taste a growing sense of hope as believers greet each other with "He is risen."...."He is risen indeed!"  The power of the resurrection can be perceived as more effective during certain seasons of the church calendar.  I will admit to being fully encouraged by this reminder of the Lord's sufficient work on my behalf.  My prayers are more earnest as I reflect on the fact that Christ is alive and reigning.

Good Friday was the darkest day in history, unlike the most dreary of winter days, as our Lord suffered unimaginable torture while being forsaken by His father.  However, through His crucifixion, death and burial, a most hopeless narrative, He defeated sin and death for the sinful souls of mankind.  As reformed Presbyterians, we don't emphasize the church calendar, the "holy days", because we celebrate the resurrection every Lord's day.  Every Sunday is Easter Sunday in our church, yet the power of the resurrection becomes distant and seemingly impotent as we settle into our weekly Sunday routines.  The reality that Christ is alive and ruling in heaven should fuel my prayers and encourage my soul no matter the season or Christian holiday.  Almost twenty-seven years ago, a tiny seed of faith and new life sprouted up in my soul.  Since then, through seasons of doubt, discouragement, hope and renewal, He has been faithful to nourish and grow my faith in Him. 

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  Philippians 1:6

Steps

2015 begins with a frequent and often annoying question around the Oliphint house.  "How many steps do you have?"  Everyone got a fitbit for Christmas and some of us are tracking our steps daily.  Sadly, it doesn't really motivate us to exercise (not much of a New Year's resolution family), but it does give a clear picture of active days, days when we are resting or even when we are just being slugs.  As a kindergarten teacher, the accumulation of a lot of little steps is not hard to accomplish.  Weekends leave me feeling sluggish as my daily total cuts in half (or less) of weekday activity. 

While it's beginning of a new year, it's also the end of the semester-- the half way point for the school year.  This is the time of year when kindergarten teachers (I assume all teachers) see their students take off with confidence using new skills and strategies.  Dozens and dozens of little steps add up to create precious readers and writers.  Every August I think to myself: the task it too hard, there are too many individual needs, there is too much material to cover and too many little steps on the road ahead.  So, we begin with the basics- one day at a time:  Letters have names and sounds.  Letters make words.  Words have spaces between them.  Words combine to make (complete thoughts) sentences.  We move from left to right and top to bottom to make sense of these sentences.  Oh, right after we get a handle on individual letter sounds, we discover that letter combinations make a mess of everything, so we have fun tackling the crazy combinations of letter sounds.  It's all these tiny steps that build something beautiful and bigger than any of us, something as natural as learning to speak. 

Just this week, we observed a school holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr.  Over the break, Kyle and I went to see the Oscar nominated film Selma, which portrays some of the small steps along a very long road to freedom.  The movie literally shows thousands of people stepping arm in arm to advance the movement towards racial equality.  It struck me that this movie, filled with brutality, hate and evil, took place within my husband's lifetime and just before I was born.  Upon returning to school, I read an age-appropriate story about MLK to my students.  Beautiful faces of every color listened intently as we read some of our country's recent past.  Millions of steps in history (from Lincoln to MLK) worked to form this image of God given equality before my eyes on the classroom rug.  

Finally, tonight our church family- Grace Community Presbyterian Church- celebrates a decade of ministry together in Ft. Worth, Texas.  When the Oliphints moved to Texas ten years ago, our girls were 2 (and three quarters), 5 and 7 years old.  We joined a church plant, not yet an organized church, where we worshiped in a strip mall, a day school and a local elementary cafeteria.  Over the years, our family has had a front row seat-- witnessing God's blessing on this body of believers.  Our faithful Lord has ordained countless steps while building His church.   As I look back over the decade(s), I am increasingly mindful of His powerful presence every step of the way and His redeeming work in my life. 

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, as is your way with those who love your name.  Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me.  Redeem me from man's oppression, that I may keep your precepts.  Make your face shine upon your servant, and teach me your statutes.  My eyes shed streams of tears, because people do not keep your law."  Psalm 119

"I waited patiently for the LORD, he inclined to me and heard my cry.  He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure."  Psalm 40

"The heart of a man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."  Proverbs 16