Reluctantly Letting Go

Today was the kick-off to our ABC Countdown to summer--It was "Art day".  Yippee!?!?   With only 25 days till summer, I'm struck with the fact that it's time to let our kindergarten friends go on to first grade and I'm once again reluctant to do so.  As teachers, every year we pour so much of ourselves into our sweet friends and then we send them off to the next grade, as if passing a baton.  We trust that another teacher will pick up where we left off and that he or she will shower our precious students with loving care.  We are only given a short window of opportunity in the lives of our students.  Of course, the thought of summer days excites us, but the annual tradition of letting go tugs at our hearts. 

Tomorrow morning my oldest will take her drivers test to become officially licensed.  We are confident about her ability, after much practice, but it really gets to me that she will be her driving herself to school right after the test.  I don't know how other parents experienced this first step of freedom for their teenage children, but once again, I'm hesitant to let go.  How can my baby girl drive a machine of metal at 40+++  miles an hour with no carseat and no adult supervision?!

As a kindergarten teacher, I continually encourage my students to do new things on their own.  At the beginning of the year, there are NO expectations..... Parents help with all sorts of things: unpacking/carrying backpacks, putting on/zipping up jackets, tying shoes and opening/closing lunch items.  By the end of the year, some independence is expected.  As a parent, I relate with the challenge of letting our little ones become more independent and how easy it is to do everything for them.  Even this evening, one of my daughters tried to run the vacuum cleaner under the kitchen table and she was not familiar with how to use the appliance.  Obviously, I've been doing it or paying someone to do it for too long.  This was a wake-up call. 

As we anticipate summer days, our mailbox is filled with graduation announcements.  Even today, we received mail from two dear families who shared this important event in the lives of their sons.  In our home we place graduation photos alongside birth announcements.  If you were to visit, you would know that we prominently display significant life announcements (weddings, births, graduations) on the tile wall behind our kitchen phone.   This evening it hit me that the handsome 18 year old son of my dear friend (in one announcement) is just like the newborn baby in the birth announcement right beside.  For those of us entering the "letting go" season of life, it was just yesterday that we welcomed our newborn babies to this world and when we found it easier to tie the shoes ourselves than to teach our kindergarten children how to tie shoes.  As a mother who is forced to encourage independence in my quickly growing daughters, I need to pray for wisdom from the Lord and abiding trust in him, knowing that he cares for them abundantly more than I ever could and that he watches over their coming and going, even in quickly moving vehicles. 

Ordinary Life

This week I've been especially grateful and more aware of the blessing of a great life!  I don't write this in a boastful-bring-others-down kind of way; I ride the roller coaster of emotions with ups and downs just as much as the next girl.  Now that I'm creeping uncomfortably close to fifty years of living, I'm finding the low moments to be particularly low and more regular while the highs are not so high, yet sweeter in experience.  There were many moments of pause this week, in the car, the school hallways, the classroom and in our home, where I just took it all in and gave thanks to the Lord for his goodness in the mundane aspects of life.

Yesterday, after arriving home from work, Kyle and I shared our weekly Friday afternoon routine- including beverages on the patio.  However, this week was different.  The girls did not join us and we didn't speak much.  The birds were singing.  The temperature was ideal and the skies were bright blue.  The only words we exchanged were weather related... a perfect old couple image.  This was yet another one of those moments where I thought: "It doesn't get any better than this!" As usual, my body was exhausted from a busy week in kindergarten, with plenty of challenging circumstances throughout the week, yet, in the quiet of our backyard, my thoughts were: "This moment is pinch-me-perfect," a consistent thought throughout the week.

Our evening continued with an unusual treat; all five of us went out for dinner and a little shopping.  Rarely do we get all three girls on a weekend night due to babysitting schedules and other activities.  I tend to savor these times more and more in the recent years.  Before dinner, one of our girls asked why we don't do things like other families.  She commented that her friends get to do so many things and that our family is so ordinary.  Initially, I responded with comments including: living within your means, avoiding debt, the importance of savings.  Then, as everyone, including Kyle, tuned me out, I mentioned that our lives are not just ordinary, but they are extraordinary.  It's in the small, everyday slices of life where I'm tasting the sweetest joy and where peace reigns in my soul.  Mountain top experiences and/or beach vacations bring enjoyment and refreshment to be sure, but deep gratitude comes, most often, in moments of mundane life when God's abundant goodness is gloriously extraordinary! 

 

This is the Time to Remember

This week marks the arrival of spring and I must say there is more of a spring in my step with consistent sunny skies and nice weather in the forecast!  On the first day of spring (March 20th), I drove home from school and felt on top of the world, full of energy and satisfied with a productive and meaningful day in the classroom.  Chicago's, "Hard Habit to Break" played on one of my favorite Satellite radio stations and made me a bit wistful as I considered the teenage years, as if they were just yesterday.   Just a few minutes later, I pulled into our driveway as my daughter and some girlfriends pulled out in a caravan and my oldest stuck her body through the sunroof to wave hello and goodbye to me.  I was reminded that it was not just yesterday that I was in her shoes or when my favorite Chicago song filled my mind with romantic thoughts of teenage love.  30 years has passed since the release of that song, so let's face the reality--- I am getting OLD!

Later that evening, this same daughter filled out an application online to be a life guard this summer.  This was another jolt to my system as a second distant memory seemed just like yesterday.  How can a little girl, who recently fought with me about getting her face in the water, protect others in a busy neighborhood water park?!?  Believe it or not, I argued with her about this prospective job and even went to bed with things less than peaceful in our home.  The following morning, I woke with regret, considering how we have only 2 years left with our oldest at home.  TWO YEARS?!  Everyone knows that a couple years can pass in the blink of an eye.  Even the first years of life-- newborn days to the terrible twos are fleeting, while also seemingly endless and quite challenging.  I drove to work having been reminded of the teenage years slipping away from us and I considered--- THIS is the time to remember and to savor with our girls.  Even baby Kelly will move out in just 6 years and we will enter a completely different season as parents.  As I left for work, surprisingly and appropriately, Billy Joel's song, "This is the Time" played on the radio.  The lyrics were so fitting for the moment and for the thoughts running through my head.  The words that struck me were:  This is the time to remember--- cause it will not last forever.  These are the days to hold on to---- cause we won't although we'll want to.  This is the time, but time is gonna change.  Although I want to treasure these limited days with our girls at home, my days are often filled with regrets as a mother. 

This week has been filled with times to remember as our second daughter has been on a family movie marathon.  Her baby and toddler videos have been on continuous loop.  She watched our wedding video, the entire ceremony and reception, twice in the recent days.  Video clips as newlyweds and new parents have reminded us that times certainly change and seasons of life go by all too fast.  Just this week, I've watched clips of  Caroline just out of the womb, unable to hold her head up, taking first bites of solid food, getting a clean diaper, taking her first steps, learning to go potty, learning to swim and peddling a bike for the first time.  It is surreal to think of all the significant times to remember in nearly 20 years of marriage.  Now that we've entered the final years of parenting in the home, I'm all too aware that I have not been the model mother for an episode of Leave it to Beaver and that is not likely to change in the remaining years.  So often the times I remember are those when I'm stumbling in sin and where I'm eternally grateful for the Lord Jesus and his sanctifying work in my life.  If I could go back and relive the video clips of our life, I would certainly be more grateful and gracious in each of the little moments of our days.  Even this week, that is all too real to me, but  thankfully, each morning (including the second day of spring) I'm increasingly aware that His mercies are new every morning. 

Going Home

Spring Break 2014 is here!  The car is overflowing with duffles, dog cages and ski gear.  We're leaving the Texas forecast in the 70's and heading for temperatures ranging from the teens to the 30's.  Happy Spring, folks!  While pulling out the ski gear (unused for a couple years and mostly outgrown) and also scheduling private lessons for the girls and reserving equipment, I did a short trip down memory lane.  The Rocky Mountains, Crested Butte, ski slopes and ski gear make me think of Dad.  My brother tells a story of how I learned to ski around age 4.  He claims that Dad "spanked me down Simba"-- a ski slope in Vail, Colorado.  While this is only partially true, it does capture decades of memories from Spring Break in Colorado.  Wake up, suit up, ski hard and fast--- no need for careful turns--- just tuck and race to the bottom.   I haven't been skiing since Dad died; he was my best partner on the slopes, well, except for my brother.  In his later years, we would ski a run, stop at a warming hut for a drink, then ski another run to the next warming hut.  Due to the fast speeds previously mentioned, this worked out to be about 3 minutes on the slopes for every hour spent with hot chocolate or a warm "mixed drink"---skis off by the fire.  All these thoughts going through my mind leave me with a feeling that we're going home to Colorado, as it is so connected with Dad.  I have no idea if I will even ski this year, but I'm certain that Dad's memory will be powerfully felt.  I'm thankful to have a lifetime of memories with him in the Rocky Mountains where his passionate and adventurous ways were on full display. 

Seasons- Anchored in Faith

This week in kindergarten our winter hallway decoration, containing over a hundred personalized snowmen, came crashing down.  For weeks, our sweet PTA moms have been repairing the scene as sections of snow people bite the dust.  However, this time we decided it's time to retire the snow covered trees, snowflakes and the white butcher paper landscape and move on to springtime flowers, green leaves and butterflies.  Of course, it's still February and much of our country is surrounded by several feet of snow with persistent frigid weather, but in a Texas kindergarten hallway, we're moving on to the beauty of spring and we're not looking back!  In some strange way, a humongous, transforming, fire retardant and sometimes annoying tree (that is the center of our seasonal hallway display) reminds me of the cycles and significance of each passing school year.  From adventurous summer days to abundant fall harvests to dark, cold (often dreary) winter months to joyful weeks of spring, I find comfort in the predictable nature of God's creation and the renewing hope of new life.  This repeating pattern is a picture of life in so many ways.

Raising daughters during the preteen/teen years gives me another perspective on cycles in life, including regular ups and downs with emotion.  It is no small challenge being a teenage girl in this world.  Who of us would go back and do it all again?!  I'm guessing not one of us would relive the drama and insecurity of middle school and high school years.  It crushes me when my girls are sad and struggling.  I feel helpless, yet earnestly prayerful, when trying to comfort and speak into the overwhelming, chaotic world of teenagers.  My gut response is to express deep sympathy for them and then to reassure them it will get better in time-- then worse, then better, then worse over the next few years.   This conversation reminds me of the assurance that spring will come again but so will depressing days of winter.  Ultimately, my only true comfort for them is to share with them how I've weathered the seasons of life, deeply rooted in faith.  Only the Lord Jesus offers us confidence in times of weakness, and often shrinking faith, when we are tossed and turned by the storms and repeating waves of life.  I continually pray for them to find themselves anchored in Him, where the joy of the Lord becomes their strength.  As we anticipate and welcome spring, even prematurely, I'm reminded of the Lord's comfort, goodness and faithfulness to us while we endure the repeating cycles of life in this world.  

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ."  Ephesians 4: 14-15

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."  Psalm 9:9

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation and my stronghold.  I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."  Psalm 18:2

Let it Soak

In an odd space of time, between an early exit from the classroom and a canceled/rescheduled flight, while in a quiet house with two lazy dogs, I find myself finishing dishes and making connections in my head and heart.  A light bulb went off in my brain while cleaning a large cooking pot which soaked overnight.  Our chili dinner was left unattended while on a rolling boil and meaty goodness attached itself to the bottom with Superglue force.  Everyone knows to let such a dish nightmare soak for an unspecified length of time.  Believe it or not, this quiet household chore reminded me of one of my biggest weaknesses as a mother and some life giving advice my husband has been trying to share with me in the recent weeks.

When you're married to a preacher, one of the hazards can be that typical marriage and parenting discussions turn into mini three-point-sermons with all the wisdom of scripture included.  To be clear, these gospel driven messages are not harsh or judgmental.  NO!  They are carefully crafted, gentle and loving remarks.  So, what's a pastor's wife to do?  Sometimes the hearing of it sounds more like a foreign language or the babble-speak from a baby.  My ears go deaf and my eyes glaze over with a "make it stop" expression!  The intent from the pastor is to help, yet the take home is often lost much like the wandering mind of a congregant during the Sunday service.

When you have a tough job in a stock pot, you don't attack it with all of your force in an effort to clean the caked on remains by effort and strength.  You let it settle, loosen and soak for a gentler and more effective cleaning.  As a mother, I address nearly every child raising struggle/issue with the force it would take to clean that pot right after clearing the table from the chili dinner.  Maybe Kyle's wise and choice words are pointing me to a more effective method of leading the girls which includes patient waiting, a softened heart (on both sides of the issue) and God glorifying peace.  This brief moment in the kitchen was both rare and peaceful.  There was no intensity required or aggravation involved.  Maybe our next parental conversation should simply be, "Mommy, just let it soak!" 

The Heart of a Teacher

After 91 days in school, first semester grades are done and we're 9 days and counting from our annual 100th Day celebration in kindergarten.  Of all the festivity in the classroom, including a winter party, Dr. Seuss week, a Valentine exchange and an end of the year bash, the 100th Day is my favorite!  Lately I've had the mid-year blues from a growing list of end of the year expectations and a decreasing number of days off and I've been particularly discouraged as a teacher in the recent weeks.  So, it is refreshing and encouraging to reflect on how far we've come in just the first 100 days of school, not to mention the first days of a 13 year endeavor. 

If you asked me what I do as a teacher, I would say that I serve 5 and 6 year olds for a living, the best paying gig on the planet.  By my calulations, the 100th day represents 700 classroom hours with my adorable clients with services including hundreds of shoes tied, hundreds of backpacks stuffed/zipped and organized, hundreds of bandaids applied, hundreds of lunch items opened, hundreds of stories read, hundreds (maybe 1000's) of pencils sharpened, hundreds of crocodile tears dried and hundreds of questions answered (100's of questions daily). 

When I think about why I invest every fiber of myself to this calling, leaving my 3 daughters to get ready for school and eat breakfast without Mom each morning and to arrive home to an empty house each afternoon, it's the students and what takes place in those first 100 days of school. Boys who didn't know their letter names or sounds are reading and writing with confidence.  Girls who wouldn't speak above a whisper are now fielding questions from classmates with assertiveness.  Students who couldn't or wouldn't pay attention for more than a minute are now focused and motivated to learn.  Daily I get to see an understanding of numbers, letters, words, sentences click for 20 precious individuals.  I've figured out what makes each child tick and how to motivate areas of difficulty.  For this reason, it's time to celebrate and to rejoice in the classroom and to put an end to those mid-year blues.

Comments I hear quite often (even yesterday) include, "You kindergarten teachers are so __ (fill in the blank)"  "I don't know how you do it."  Franky, as I step into the mid-forties, working alongside women much younger, cooler and more energetic than me, I have days where I think, "I don't know how long I can do this."  For this reason, I begin each day with prayers of thanksgiving and humble dependence, asking the Lord to help me love and serve my students well-- for His glory.