Since You've Been Gone

This school year must go on record as the fastest ever.  The days flew by at a dizzying pace and with a roller coaster ride of emotions.  In some ways it was the hardest year of my life and in other ways it was the most satisfying to date.  The students began their school experience without a teacher and in the hands of our most loving and gracious school counselor.  I showed up on day three overwhelmed by sadness and in shock from the recent and sudden loss of my Dad.   The comfort and sustaining grace of God gave me the strength to handle those first days with much joy and eagerness.  My father's example of endurance, faithfulness and passion gave me a model for how to live when everything in life suddenly turned upside down for our family.  My precious students will never know how their sweet and joyful spirits gave me purpose and hope each day as I silently and deeply grieved the death of a person who was so much a part of me, as if part of myself was gone.

Now that we're coming to the end of the year, I find myself wanting to tell Dad about it all.  Thoughts like "since you've been gone" fill my mind. ........ Caroline got her braces off.  Jack started driving.  It was a great year for the Oscars. (Les Mis and Lincoln were out of this world... I wonder what you would have thought about Life of Pi.  Kyle and Mary really loved it!)  Mom attended an Oscar party and kept the family tradition alive.  She also attended a Young family wedding without you-- I know you would be very pleased by this effort. Her travel schedule rivaled many of the years you spent together.  Heidi and Caroline are teenagers now (UGH!!)  Even Kelly has entered a phase with much drama and hormones raging; Kyle and I are in over our heads with 3 "teen" girls and increasing interest from (or should I say for) boys.  We finished an outdoor living area which you would love.  Our church moved into a new worship space.  Mom hosted many from the Tulsa ballet-- keeping your flare for hospitality active at home.  Many in our country have suffered from unthinkable tragedy in two of the states where your family lives--- due to gun violence and tornado devastation.  Obama won another term--- some of us miss your political emails and commentary. There are not a lot of conservatives left in the Young family.  Your absence is still overwhelming and powerfully felt by those who loved you so very much! Music is a particularly painful trigger; Neil Diamond, ABBA and Elton John slay me regularly as I remember your love of music and dancing. 

As we close out a most memorable and eventful school year, we're enjoying an ABC countdown to summer.  Activities such as Art Day... Bubble Day, ... Outdoor Writing Day, ... Relay Race Day have helped build the anticipation of summer and the celebration a most wonderful year together.  With just 8 days left, while teachers and students all over Texas are longing for the relaxation of summer, I find myself dreading the end and the sad goodbyes to my sweet students.  In the Lord's providence, our classroom has been a glorious combination of profound loss, much growth, exciting firsts and abundant joy.  The students are now reading and writing with ease and ready to be big 1st graders, but I hate to see them go.  I can only hope for the blessing of another class like this one.  I will forever remember the 2012-2013 school year with great affection and as one connected to my father and his lasting influence in my life. 

Fences

My walk this morning was a surreal experience.  It's a beautiful, spring day (somewhat rare this year) with a perfect chill in the air.   As always, I walked while listening to music on the ipod.  Alan Jackson's "Remember When" filled my ears while my eyes took in a variety of touching scenes.  A young boy (maybe 9 or 10) walked past me in tears.  A little girl played outside in a Superman/Princess combination, topped off with a crown.  A young Mom held her baby's arms straight up while the PJ dressed little girl practiced taking steps.  Many Dads were mowing and edging and the fresh cut smell of grass filled the air.  One homeowner was carrying sections of rotten fence to the curb for bulk pick up this week.  I got to thinking of all the families, struggles and joys packed into the suburbs where people live behind 6 foot fences in large homes on small lots.  Upon arriving home, I wrote a $400+ check to a nice man who just replaced many rotted posts for our backyard fence.  Was it painful to write such a hefty check for wood poles?  Yes!  Was it worth every penny to maintain the privacy we enjoy and crave?  Absolutely, yes!  Within our fence, we workout marriage and parenting issues with a good measure of conflict.  Who wants the neighbors staring in while we disagree, even fight, with a spouse or teenager?  Plus, we are glad to keep the doberman out of our backyard, previously a rottweiler in the same yard.  What is it with big, scary dogs in Texas?!

This satisfying and reflecting walk comes after a week that felt like a train wreck in many ways.  You could describe me as an angry Tasmania Devil stirring up trouble in my path, nearly everywhere I went.  My words, actions and even thoughts hurt those closest to me, including my spouse and children.  While my husband was away on a "guys trip" with minister friends, I repeatedly asked him if he was sharing my garbage with his friends, not wanting him to lower the fence of privacy that I  maintained throughout the chaos of the week.   Even in the recent weeks, Kyle and I began meeting with one of the elders in our church to work through boundary issues for our teenagers.  We desire to maintain unity in parenting as we disagree on appropriate "fence lines" of protection for our girls. 

Obviously, as I write this, I'm giving others a peek over our wall of privacy, with Kyle's blessing.  I've been reminded this week of my need for a Savior and I have renewed gratitude for Christ's mercy to me as a miserable sinner, without hope except for his sovereign grace.  In his death on the cross, the curtain of the temple (or dividing line) was torn in two giving access to God himself through his perfect sacrifice for unrighteous people like me.

"For Christ died for sins once and for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." 1Peter 3:18

Fading Memory and Heavenly Focus

Lately, I've been looking back and trying to remember seasons throughout life.  I find myself grasping for a clear picture of important places and people.  My childhood home in Tulsa, where I lived for around 15 years,  seems like a fading memory.  Oddly, the garage is one of the most vivid pictures in my mind.  It recently hit me that it was a four bedroom home and I can hardly picture the 4th bedroom.  I keep thinking about that house and trying to form images in my head.   Sadly, it is just a blurred recollection. 

Another season that comes to mind with little clarity would be the college years.  Yesterday, we received a 20 year reunion letter with a focus on fundraising from the class of 1993.  As a classroom teacher for 7 years (combined), I have yet to make the amount of money Mom and Dad forked over so that I could enjoy the luxury of a degree from Vanderbilt University.  While I spent formative years in Nashville, I can remember so little of the specifics from my time there.  

Even during this high speed season of parenting, with a house of teenage girls and all the drama that comes from middle school and high school relationships, (I guess some things are better forgotten.) I can barely remember details from raising the girls in the early and slower paced years.  Thank goodness for a joke worthy (endless) number of photos to remind me of God's blessing and goodness to us with three daughters.  He continually showers our parenting with grace during each passing year.  

As we look forward to many exciting seasons of life, including driving, college, weddings and hopefully grandchildren, my gaze will be lifted just beyond these obvious blessings as I long for my heavenly home where there will be no fading memory, pain or sadness and where we will rest peacefully and gloriously in the Lord's presence.

For now, I feel like I'm in the middle of the story of life.  (Some call it mid-life.)  I wonder if many others have similar experiences in their forties.   Combined with four decades of living, 2012 brought a mid-life shift in focus as I witnessed profound hopelessness, suffering and even death.  Abundant and blessed memories from the past are dimming, yet my gaze for eternity with the Lord is coming into focus with precise and intense vision.   Oddly, I have some memories that are crystal clear in my mind.  Many, if not all, of the memories relate to deep spiritual moments with the Lord during transforming and difficult times.   I'm becoming convinced, in the midst of all these seemingly important, yet obviously forgettable, seasons of life, God is writing a story of redemption, faithfulness, grace, mercy and steadfast love in my life.  Future chapters are a mystery to me but the end of the story is one of great joy, profound hope and everlasting peace.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

Teacher and Preacher

Recently, it hit me that Kyle and I have job titles that rhyme with each other (teacher & preacher).  This is likely on my radar as kindergarten students use rhyming words quite regularly.  I like to point out to  the children that "rhyming makes us better readers and writers".  They seem to believe this and find purpose in an otherwise meaningless skill.  Letter combinations are not the only similarities in our jobs.   Both are highly meaningful and satisfying callings.  Obviously, a pastor has a very distinct call, but I doubt any teacher can sustain the intensity and requirements of the profession without some sense of being called to the work.  I can only speak for myself, but daily I feel like I'm made for the classroom.  I don't feel this way in many other roles in life-- especially as a minister's wife.  ; ) 

People are another common factor in our vocations, especially the investment in particular individuals and families.  Whether in the pews, Sunday school classes, cafeteria or classrooms, people have needs, gifts, challenges, opinions, personalities, expectations and a multitude of unique characteristics.  Frankly, as a pastor's family, with one of us serving in the classroom, life can feel like a fishbowl at times.  Whether I run into a student at Target who looks at me like an alien from another planet (all the while beaming from ear to ear) or I have church members who watch me flounder with much prayer while raising teenagers, I rarely feel the leisure of anonymity.  I don't think Kyle would mind me sharing the obvious change in a social setting when someone finds out that he is a pastor.  He would love to interact without this relational dynamic many times. 

We both long for closure, to check off a to-do list and to be finished with "a task", something similar to April 15th for the tax folks in our midst.  I guess I have the advantage with the summer months where there is  time for renewal and refreshment.  If it weren't for a high sense of calling and an understanding that the grass is NOT greener on any side of the road, I would long for a life as a mail carrier and trash collector.   I certainly have a much greater desire to pray for MY pastor/preacher as he labors without a sense of ever clearing his plate or completing any of his work.  Do you remember to pray for your pastor?  I guarantee he lives a life with demands, most especially at home. 

Why the ramblings on life as a teacher and preacher?  Well, honestly, we both get weary.  We are both critiqued (good and bad) quite often.  You never get used to a job that is always before the public where performance reviews and expectations are constant and usually outside of your hearing. 

Thirteen years ago, a much younger minister's wife moved to Tampa, Florida.  A new and now dear friend asked me, "Is it hard being a minister's wife?"  I made light of this seemingly throw away question and answered, "No, it really isn't."  Today, I wish I could answer that probing and thoughtful question again.  I would tell him that I am unbelievably out of my comfort zone.  Still, I am overwhelmingly encouraged by the sustaining grace and faithfulness of God.  I am humbled by the abiding faith, prayers and sacrificial service of the people He brings into our midst.   With much eagerness and dependance upon the Lord, we are abundantly grateful for our callings.

Perspective is Everything

If you're anything like me, too often, you can't see past the end of your nose.  Thoughts about my schedule, my stress, my opinions and my circumstances can tend rule the emotions of the day.  Sometimes I'm hit in the face with examples of how others are struggling and how ridiculously self-consumed I can be.  Just this evening, I pulled into the driveway with a rather gloomy attitude at the same time as my neighbor.  She is grieving the recent loss of her teenage son.   Other times, I seek out reminders to shake me out of a "blue funk".   Yesterday, I came home from school and looked through hundreds of photos from my time in Africa.  All of my students in Zambia go without electricity, running water (clean water for that matter), food and parental care each day, yet they are the most peaceful and hardworking people I will ever know.  I'm becoming convinced that perspective makes all the difference.  Many of us have very little of it. 

If you're in a season of raising babies or toddlers with little time to yourself for pampering or social interaction, you've likely heard from older moms how fleeting the time seems while looking back.  If you're adamantly pro-choice and fiercely protective of the woman's right to choose, you should talk to a loved one twenty years after having an abortion and walk through the dibelitating grief with her.  If you think conservative Christians are hateful bigots or you think liberal gay and lesbians are offensive and perverted, then you've likely never had a close loved one or relative fall into one of these two categories. I remember being in Zambia during a highly political season and being disgusted by some of the "issues" on endless media loop as I witnessed profound suffering for the first time in my life.  My perspective was altered drastically and I'm coming to realize I will never be the same again.

As a woman who has moved into her 40's with all the "hormonal fun" that goes along with being a female-- including daughters just beginning the journey (sorry, guys-- just the facts!), I'm increasingly grateful for the perspective I have as one who is IN Christ.  I'm convinced that he alone can overcome my pride and self-centeredness.   I continue longing for heaven and the return of Christ with growing expectation.  Until then, may he deepen my faith and sharpen my perspective as one who is humbly dependent upon divine grace and mercy.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

Comfortable and Confused

Be careful what you wish for.  For the later half of 2012, I longed for some "normal" weeks on the home front as a Mom, wife, friend and church member.  Being out of the country and then constantly on the go with trips to CO, OK and even the hospital in TX, I missed out on a lot of stuff with the girls and our local community.  Working outside the home added to this as well.  Now, 2013 is well under way and I'm fully engaged in the normal routine of life, working shorter hours, but clarity of thought and dependence upon the Lord is lacking.  With comfort comes confusion.  Lessons learned in Africa seem to be distant, almost unreal, memories. Just this week, two "American moments" gave me pause and left me wondering about the lack of fruit in my life from what I've seen on the other side of the globe.

For the past week, I've obsessed (to say the least) over vacation properties in the panhandle of Florida.  We finally settled on a lovely spot for our first week at the beach as a family.  Sure, we lived in Florida for a number of years and used to have date nights by the waters edge and even overnights in a number of condos, motels, etc.  I spent many days playing in the sand with the girls while Kyle was working in Tampa, but with just 3 summers until our first high school graduation, we've never spent extended time together in one of my favorite places.  As I've considered the comfort, peace and pleasure of this most desirable location, I've also learned that the mission trip for our church is scheduled for the same week as our (already paid for) reservation.  Surprisingly, our oldest has communicated a strong desire to miss the family trip and to return to Mexico where she had a life changing experience.  My gut response.... "You're living at home for just 3 more years; you have to go on this trip with us."  How can it be that I would deny her the opportunity to serve for our pleasure and delight?!

Even last night, our family walked into the Apple store with two shattered i-Pod screens on relatively new devices.  As the tech described the $15,000 tables to us and the stones on the floor made from a certain mountain or something, he typed a description of the girls' devices into his iPad.  "Viciously shattered" and "horrid" were the adjectives used.  Come to find out, one of our girls didn't want Mom and Dad to replace (at our cost) her iPod for a new one.  She wanted to keep the shattered one.  I nearly insisted on making the exchange (again at our cost), because it didn't seem reasonable to keep using a destroyed "horrid" one.  Then, once again, it hit me.  I felt like I was in "bizzarro world" completely devoid of any understanding of sacrifice and suffering. 

Lingering in my thoughts is a strong desire to return to the compounds of Lusaka, Zambia.  As Kyle and I anticipate our 20th anniversary next year, I wonder about celebrating with some combination of mission/travel together.  Who knows?  However, I will pray that the Lord will grant me some of the clarity I experienced in more challenging circumstances and that his spirit will grow in me a passion for sacrifice and service in this corner of the world.  I have a long way to go! 

The Soundtrack of Our Lives

During our Friday "date night", including a grocery run and a stop by the church office, Kyle noticed a change in my selection of music on Satellite radio.  He made a comment about coming around to his way of thinking.  As I rolled my eyes, I described how lately I've been drawn to music from my childhood.  Kyle said something that rings very true right now, "Music is a hyperlink to memories."

On Saturday morning, I grabbed my hot pink iPod and went for a walk.  As I was listening to Taylor Swift's "Fifteen",  one of the lyrics really struck me. "Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now."   With a house full of teen/preteen girls (including their friends) and with one daughter who is particularly similar to a younger version of myself, it seems I have the perfect opportunity to help my girls learn from my struggles, sparing them the difficult lessons and mistakes of life.  I got to thinking about the pattern of my life  and how I seem to learn everything the hard way.  As a teen, I swallowed the foolishness of this world entirely, including popularity, status and love of self.  In the twenties, a hot temper and self centered attitude made for colorful years as newlyweds.  In the 30's, while raising babies and toddlers, I found myself conflicted by a mundane life at home and the seeming absence of mind stimulation.  Even at the outset of my 40's, I'm learning the balance of work and home life and erring on the side of working too much.  I wish there was a "Life for Dummies" for the spiritually immature like me.   As a pastor's wife, I know that the scriptures contain everything we need for life and godliness.  However, with a lack of spiritual maturity, I didn't see the Bible as food for my soul.  For many years, I read the ten commandments, and thought to myself, "I've got this."  Now, even a quick reading of the law convicts me of pride and self-centeredness and reminds me that I do not love the Lord or his people as I should.

Like any mother, I long to control and protect my girls from difficulty and learning things the hard way.  In my unbelief, I think that my girls shouldn't have to go through the same struggles and suffering where God shapes and fashions them.  However, by God's grace, Sunday morning worship brings refreshment to my soul and redirects my heart to God's work in our lives.  The music before the sermon brought me to tears.  "Speak, O Lord" is a regular selection in the service.  However, this week the words seemed to jump off the page.  "Teach us, Lord, full obedience, holy reverence, true humility; test our thoughts and our attitudes in the radiance of Your purity.  Cause our faith to rise; cause our eyes to see Your majestic love and authority."  

During the sermon, Kyle kept referring to the soundtrack of our lives being connected to a story, either in this present age or in the age to come.  The soundtrack of the age to come includes a powerful refrain, "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne and to the Lamb." While the text of the sermon was Revelation 7, he directed us to 2 Corinthians 4 as well.  It is a beautiful picture of God's saving grace in my life and it reminds me to humbly and confidently pray for my girls.  May the words of "Speak, O Lord" become the soundtrack of their lives.   The Lord will surely prove himself faithful to them as he has always been to me. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair, persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.  For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.  ........ So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."