Typically, I love to write as I try to make sense of the mess of life with the HOPE of heaven in view. However, in the recent weeks, I haven't been able to make sense of anything. Simply put, I've been down in the dumps.... including regular tears and mood swings that resemble the steepest drop of a roller coaster. It's a pretty uneventful season in life with no tragedy or significant crisis in our lives, yet, I'm feeling blue consistently. When our church publicized a "depression study", my oldest commented to her Dad, "Mom needs to go to that!" So I did and it was very encouraging.
While I can't put my finger on a specific trigger, I am mindful that a mixture of mid-forty hormone changes and our oldest being a senior (a cocktail of circumstances) comes with side effects. I know that I'm going to miss so much about parenting and the child rearing years when Katie goes off to college next year, but I guarantee I will not miss this phase. Of course, I will miss her presence and her lovely ways, but the high stakes parenting with children who long to be independent, not so much.
Just this morning, one of my all time favorite songs played in the car while driving to work-- Alan Jackson's "Remember When" flooded my thoughts with the past 18 (fleeting) years of parenting. During a 15 minute drive, images of Katie filled my mind. For some reason, two years of age seems to bring the most vivid memories. While Katie was an easy baby and an extremely compliant school age girl (still is), I remember distinctly her strong will showing up in full color as a toddler. Daily interactions included her exclaiming: "Katie do it" and also lengthy tantrums. With little ones, we insisted the girls not have an audience during their fits, so we sent them to the rooms to have it out. Caroline's protests were powerful, but very short lived. Baby Kelly would stop crying in route to her room, but Katie was a completely different story. I remember her (bobbed hair and bangs with a pink bow on the top of her head wearing a pink gingham shirt, polo khaki skort and white sandals) standing in a nook of her room raising the volume of her protest upon hearing a parent near by in our Philadelphia home (seems like yesterday). She could keep it going like no other. While driving, it hit me that we are in another season where our daughter is ready to exert her will. Thankfully, there are NO lengthy tantrums, but there is a sense of "Katie do it" that is reasonable and appropriate for her age. Even Caroline is stretching her independent legs with the ability to drive places on her own. Four licensed drivers with three cars can be a bit complicated.... definitely a "first world problem", but a puzzle we engage in each day.
I don't know how other parents process the final year with their first born at home or the inevitable reality that they are leaving home. Most days, it's not even on my radar, but clearly there is a low grade sadness going on beneath the surface. This seems like the first chapter in a book titled: "Wrapping up the Parenting Gig". However, our version reads with more questions than answers. I'm convinced every parent has a sweet spot where they are most confident and effective. It seems I peaked in the early years. : ) I'm thankful for a husband who is clearly made for parenting in the teen years and also for friends and family who come alongside as I look for answers and support. I'm especially grateful, after nearly 18 years as a mother, that God showers our parenting with grace. All three of our girls exceed the hopes and prayers I have for them as they reflect and honor the Lord with their thoughtful, loving and most gracious ways. I'm crazy thankful to be a part of His plan for their lives.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 (also used on Katie's senior parking space)
